Coming Out

When I was around 15, one of my friends started dating a girl and told people she was bisexual. I remember saying that she was doing it for attention, and that she was only dating girls because she couldn’t find a boy who liked her. (Horrible, I know). The truth is, I was jealous of her. She had the confidence to do things that I wished I could do myself. She lost her virginity before me, she had more boyfriends than me, she got a girlfriend.. all while I was sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing.

I, of course, wasn’t the only person saying these hateful things. And that scared me even more. How would I ever be brave enough to flirt with a girl, or come out, or date a girl, when all around me people held these judgements and stereotypes.

Some actual things people I knew said about bisexuals:

  • they’re greedy
  • they’re just gay in denial
  • they’re slutty
  • it’s hot if it’s two girls; gross if it’s two guys
  • they’re just hopping on the bandwagon/doing it for attention/doing it because it’s trendy
  • etc, etc, etc, ad infinitum

I remember being attracted to girls when I was pretty young. But, because I liked boys too, it never seemed like a big deal. I mean, I have always had lots of straight female friends and they would talk about female celebrities that they thought were hot too. Then when we got to around 16 and started drinking, straight girls would always kiss at parties. So when I kissed girls at parties too, I didn’t think that it meant I was bisexual. It’s kind of hilarious how I went through my whole life (well, about 18 years of it) with this thing staring me in the face and being completely oblivious to it.

I got a boyfriend and kind of forgot the whole thing for a while. One day he asked me about it, and when I told him I thought I may like girls he of course proceeded to suggest threesomes at regular intervals. I broke up with him not long after.

Then, when I got old enough to go out clubbing, I started flirting with a lot of people when I was drunk – that rebound was glorious. Both boys and girls. At this point obviously my friends had gotten over the phase of making out with each other at parties, and yet there I was kissing some girl who I thought looked like Avril Lavigne. Still though, if anyone asked me if I was straight, I’d be like ‘Oh yeah of course! Alcohol, eh? Everyone does silly things when they’re drunk ha ha ha’ …. nobody believed me. But I genuinely believed myself, and that was all that mattered.

After all, girls who dated girls didn’t look like me!! They had short hair and didn’t wear make up and dressed badly. I wore skirts and had long blonde hair and liked being feminine and having sex with boys.

Enter YouTube. This sounds so cringe, but when I discovered youtubers like Rose & Rosie, Shannon & Cammie, Melanie Murphy and Dodie, I realised that girls could be feminine and gorgeous and still be gay af. I’d never met a gay girl in real life who wasn’t super butch or masculine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (in fact, androgynous girls are usually the ones who I get the biggest crushes on now), but it made me feel like I had no models of what a relationship between two girls could look like.

Nowadays I like girls way more than I like boys. It’s like, once I accepted this part of myself, it grew stronger and stronger. I’d kind of ignored it in the past; thought ‘oh maybe I like girls but I’m never gonna date one anyway so what’s the point in thinking these thoughts’ and pushed it to the back of my brain. And it’s now back with full force. The fact that I had a cunt of an ex boyfriend probably contributed to this as well. I still haven’t come out to my parents (although I feel like my mum definitely knows), and I don’t think I will for a long time. Strangely, my family have no issue with gay/lesbian people, but bisexuality is just a step to far for them.

But for now, being content with myself is enough. I definitely spend way too much time thinking/tweeting about girls, watching the L word and imagining what it would be like to actually be in a relationship with a girl but I’m catching up on lost time! This is how all of my female friends would obsess over boys when they were 14, and I feel like I’m now a virginal pre pubescent girl-mad teenager again, but it’s kind of fun.

That’s it!! If I want you to take anything away after reading this, it’s that bisexual stereotypes are super wrong, and that representation is IMPORTANT. If I had had gay female role models on television when I was younger, I’m sure I’d have come to terms with myself at a much younger age. I also think I (and the rest of my school friends) would have been less biphobic to that friend. Campaigns like #GetElsaAGirlfriend are so important to me. Kids films and TV shows are fundamental to children’s views of the world. I hope that, in the future, representation will be commonplace.

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Gg x

 

 

 

First blog post

Welcome to my blog! I plan to write about things that interest me, including my time at university studying English Literature. Expect to see:

  • Film, book and television thoughts and reviews
  • Posts about music I’m loving
  • Feminism and sexuality
  • Youtube
  • My life at university

And god knows what else.

Thanks!

Gg x